Anonymous asked: A lot of my girl friends say that I'm a "nice guy" and I get defensive. They say it's not a bad thing, but how can it be a good thing??

Dear Friend,

Your friends lied. Being the nice guy is a bad thing. Nice guy refers to someone you like, but are in no way romantically interested in and probably never will be. This cursed name is only used to soften the blow of rejection, but guys aren’t complete dummies. Guys know being called nice means they have no shot with the person who have deemed them the “nice guy.” In return, they mistakenly take this for “I’d like you if you were more of an asshole.” You don’t need to be an asshole; you just have to accept the fact that not every girl you like will reciprocate the feeling. 

Anonymous asked: So my "partner" and I have been going out a lot lately.. But he still won't call me "his". This has been going on for months, what should I do to let him know this bothers me?

Dear Friend,

Call him out on it. Don’t pretend to be okay with something you’re not because it will come back to bite you in the ass. You’re not asking for too much because you need to be selfish about some things in your relationship. Whether this is a deal-breaker situation or something you can come to a compromise on, you need to communicate with him. If you don’t come to a negotiation, don’t settle. Do not sacrifice your happiness by molding yourself to fit another person’s needs.

Anonymous asked: Since guys have an orgasm during most sexual encounters, how does a woman know if she's truly good at sex and her skills are up to par?

Dear Friend,

There is no way to know how good you are in bed. Surprise! Everyone has lied about the quality of his or her sexual encounters at least once. Women fake orgasms and men fake interest. With all of this pretending it is difficult to know how good your sexual skills truly are. Unless he flat-out tells you how well or poorly you scored, there is no way to know. Even if he does confess that you rocked his world leaving a permanent void in his little soul knowing he could never find another woman to top you, you would still have to trust that opinion. Trust your gut and don’t over think this. You’re not a stripper or a show dog. Do what you want in bed and if there is no chemistry between you and whomever you’re boning, then hit it and quit it. 

Anonymous asked: Dear Mediocre Advice, I want you to touch me like you work for the TSA. Let's grab some drinks, pizza, and a movie sometime.

Did you bring lube? Because if it’s over 3.4 ounces, I’m throwing it out. I hope you’re in a wheelchair so I can make you wait two hours to inspect your every nook and cranny. Baby, I’m going to make you so hot, you’re going to feel like you’re carrying a gun, fire works, and a large knife. I see your sexy eyes. They look suspicious and I’m going to interrogate you with an aggressive, drug-sniffing dog. xoxo.

Anonymous asked: I tend to throw up when I drink....what are some places I should avoid?

Dear Friend,

Avoid vomiting anywhere there are people. If possible, keep it from being known that it ever happened. You should do what cats do when they know they’re going to die. Leave without telling anyone, find a desolate place, and end the beast inside of you. In the cat’s situation, you would never return, but in yours, you have to. Pretend like nothing happened and keep it together. 

Anonymous asked: Oprah called me gay, but I don't think I'm gay.

Oprah is a queen and everything she says is true. Obey her. 

Anonymous asked: Is it true that once you go black you never go back?

No. One may return from going black. 

Anonymous asked: Is it true that if u shove food up your butt, you will poop out of your mouth?

Get off of the internet and never return. 

Anonymous asked: I like someone, but that someone does not like me. I'm having a harder time getting over this person than I thought. Send me some advice to help me get out of this rut.

Dear Friend,

For some reason, out of the seven billion people on the planet, you thought that this one person was it. You’re miserable and the feeling in the pit of your stomach is worse than sneezing and barfing at the same time. Your heartbreak may seem paralyzing now, but you will tough it out because that person probably sucks anyway. The chance of finding someone that you can stand to be in your personal space for an extend period of time is difficult and borderline mythical. Do not try to change yourself to fit another person’s needs because you will resent the person you changed for and hate yourself for doing it. Thankfully, we have an innate ability to adapt. There will always be someone or something better. 

Anonymous asked: Is it true that if you don't use it....you lose it?

Dear Friend,

This seemed like vague question. To avoid any confusion I have made two separate lists.

Here is a list of a few things you will lose if you do not use:

1.    Coupons

2.    Booty call opportunities

3.    Food (it will expire)

4.    Your job

5.    Your body (if you do not maintain healthy diet and exercise, you will die)

6.    Your boner

Here is a list of things you will not lose if you do not use:

1.    Your penis

2.    Your vagina

3.    Your butt

4.    Parental advice

5.    Magazine subscriptions 

Anonymous asked: How do you know when you cross the line in the bedroom from kinky to just plain weird?

To me, the realm of weird involves animal costumes and murder. What you may consider weird in the bedroom is purely based off of what you’re comfortable with or what you expect from someone. People have different preferences. Some like ass-smacking, and some like whispering weird cannibalistic things in their partner’s ear. This is why there is such a thing as a safe word. People are weird and that’s okay. 

Anonymous asked: What's the proper etiquette when making a booty call to someone I haven't seen in a while?

That’s the beauty of booty calls. There is no proper etiquette required.  A booty call should be short, sweet, and to the point. The unwritten shameless rule about this phenomenon is that if you get rejected, it’s not a big deal. It’s not like you poured your heart out to someone like John Cusack in Say Anything. It is a simple yes or no question. Fortunately, the lack of effort devoted to a booty call makes it easier to forget in the morning if you do get rejected.

That is when the Avenue will be back, but waiting that long is just unacceptable. I’ll be sporadically posting answers until the Alligator is running again. Happy summer ya’ll. 

Anonymous asked: Every time my girlfriend and I have sex she tries to put her finger up my butt. I don't know why she wants to do it, because my backside is hairy and a man's ass is really scary. She got angry with me last time I refused and I don't know how to tell her (without pooping all over her hand) that I don't like that. The sex is great and I don't want to lose that. What can I say to convince her without a terrible defecation incident?

Considering the severity of this question, I have given different scenarios on how you should and should not go about this.

The wrong way to solve this problem: Just yell “DON’T TOUCH MY BUTT HOLE” in her face during intercourse.

A better way to solve this problem: calmly tell her you don’t like people fingers near your b-hole unless they’re yours. 

Suggestion: Why not try new things? Next time during sex, let her go to town on your b-hole.