Although Mediocre Advice is in an indefinite coma for the time being, I have started a new spoof blog. It’s about space and stuff. That’s surprisingly a pretty accurate description to be honest.
There was someone before you and there will be someone after you.
Fuck those pants! I gave my brother the best gift a sister can give a brother. The ultimate shitty story to embarrass me with for the rest of my days. He’ll tell everyone forever that I threw up on him at my graduation. It really is the gift that keeps on giving. He’ll bring it up at my brother’s wedding this summer, future thanksgivings and Christmases and if he outlives me, he’ll narrate that story at my funeral. He better not fucking outlive me. I’m sure he’d have a grand time carving it on my grave. “Here Lies Ariel Barnes. Daughter, Sister, Friend, and Remember That One Time She Threw Up On Her Brother?”
These two verbs do not refer to the same action. You can fuck someone you love and you can make love to someone you fuck. Fucking is similar to the feeling it leaves after the word exits your mouth. It’s nasty and fun, but it doesn’t mean anything. Making love is passionate and deeply intense whether it’s with someone you give a shit about or you’re just getting some strange. The chemistry between the people involved is the factor that will lead to fucking or making love.
It’s a figment of your imagination. There never was any candy. Plot twist, mother fucker.
THE NOODS/SEXTING GUIDE YOU NEED IN YOUR LIFE:
1. Use Snapchat. No one wants to see their private parts on some revenge porn site. Even I have a few dick pics saved on my phone for leverage. You all know who you are.
2. Boobs are forever. Us girls may think the opposite after the twentieth boob pic since they’re permanently strapped to our chests, but boobs will never go out of style. Boobs for the billionth time = boobs for the first time. Why do you think cleavage is still a thing? It’s only the butt crack of boobs, but you still stare at it like it’s a pot of gold. Girls do it just as much as guys, but the only difference is we don’t go from 6 to midnight and howl like a cartoon dog.
3. Dick Pics are Not Forever. A dick pic every once in a while is appreciated, but it just looks like a sausage to me. I’ve seen it once, so I’ve seen it a billion times. Looking at it just pisses me off because I’d rather do other things than have a staring contest with a pic of your junk. Send some full body or ab pics, but not just a pic of your one-eyed monster. .
4. Timing is Everything. Waking up to a nude is like Christmas morning. Use that timing to your advantage because even if it’s another pic of boobies, it’s a great way to start the day. Also, opening a Snapchat nude while driving is A HORRIBLE IDEA.
5. Get a Little Weird. Not like clown weird, but throw in some articles of clothing and props for fun: socks, coats, sombreros, scarves, glasses, ties, books, animals, whatever—be creative.
6. It is Not Better to Give Than Receive. These should be equal transactions. Not getting any goods in return is pretty much playing with yourself. Submit requests to the person your sending nudes and do the same in return. It’s nudie pic etiquette.
7. (For Those Enduring Long Distance Relationships) Make Time. Set a date and time to sext, Skype and do whatever you need to do to rekindle that fire from whatever unbearable amount of miles away.
This is every guy’s reoccurring nightmare—a girl that likes him, but does not want to bone him. Despite popular belief, and my mentality from high school and the majority of college, it’s not always about sex. It’s okay to sleep in the same bed with someone and not end up taking your clothes off, no matter how unnatural it feels. To just sit with someone, talk about things that don’t matter and not expect to get physical is called a good friendship. Don’t ruin it by forcing yourself to see this person sexually if you don’t have those feelings. Enjoy what you have and don’t worry about what you feel is expected of you. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.
I’d fuck Emma Roberts because HELLO? HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHING AMERICAN HORROR STORY COVEN?? I’d marry Emma Stone because she’d probably make me the happiest girl everyday forever and we’d be the cutest lezzie couple. And, unfortunately, I’d kill Emma Watson because I don’t need someone to tell me how to pronounce words like levi-OH-sa all damn day.
Aw yeaa! Thanks girl! ;)